Title: Pucked by a Canuck! The Mother Puckers of Womens Hockey - Author: Mike Marino
Published: Feb 8, 2014 - Contact:
Give a group of athletic women a lean, long hockey stick and a fully locked and loaded puck to shoot and all bets are off! These not so tender hearted whirling dervishes can deliver a goal in a net with the speed and punch of a vagina powered rocket that can easily leave the gravitational pull of the ice planet and knock a female goalie on her knockers. It's sheer pure kick ass poetry in female motion not to mention a bonafide erection producing display of Pucks and Ass guaranteed to be one of the most athletic displays of female mania on skates since the Ice Capades presented That Time of the Month on Ice! Instead of nets for goalies to guard, it would be a more interesting game today if the teams wore only fishnets while trying to score on the other girls. No pun intended but an exciting visual any way you look at it. Fishnets and hockey nets, the Holy Grail of Hymen Hockey at it's sexy best! Slamming pucks deep as they penetrate a goalies net sounds almost sexy on the surface. Go deep and carry a big stick! In effect the net is the vagina while the puck serves as the symbolic dildo and the big stick needs no explanation, but believe me, these athletes can handle a big stick!
To understand the raw sensual richness and therefore the highly sought after sports sexuality of Women's Hockey, you have to look at hockey in general and it's history, in order to inordinately get back to the raucous roots of the game of puck and stick. It may surprise you but no, some cazy Czech with a puck to grind did not invent the game...it only seems that way today! Nor did the Noreaster Canadians although it does seem that hockey and Canada fornicated a formula that fosters the fallacy that they too are the inventors of this frigid foray on frozen ice.
Flashback to the land of dikes and delf, not dykes and dorks...and that would land you square in what were and are called "the low countries" probably due to its sub-minus sea level altitude which is one step away from from being the submerged lost city of Atlantis. The low countries, Holland and Belgium in the Middle Ages(no not the Middle Kingdom, and there is no proof that there was such a game as Hobbit Hockey or even Gandalf Golf) the game was played on ice with a curved wooden stick and a ball constructed of leather or wood. Two poles stood as markers for targets to shoot and fire the ball in betwixt and between with a minimum number of strokes, or attempts. However, the earliest recorded instances of what morphed into the game of hockey are those documented in the Icelandic sagas kept and written in symbols by those legendary illiterates, those naughty Nordic Vikings. It seems they had a very similar game that they brought with them to Iceland and Greenland during their visionary quest for pillage, plunder and rape as they sought Viking dominance in North America that may have started the ball rolling so to speak. This game was called called "knattleikr" (sure, easy for you to say if your a Viking from Iceland. (History has also shown that the Vikings soon cast knattleikr aside for football as they settled in Minnesota!) By the way, it was Leif Erickson and Leif Garrett who led the Viking hordes. Lief Erickson however, also never made the Billboard Charts...Garrett did...once.
Native North Americans of both sides of the border had stick and ball games as well, but the modern game of ice hocky seems to have evolved in Canada near Nova Scotia. By the year 1875 there was an eruption of a volcano in Iceland that drove many from the island to Canada as immigrants and yes, they brought their pucks with them. I fact it was Icelandic players that played for Canada that won the first Olympic medal in hockey!
Females have been crashing for a crease for over 100 years! The first official womens hockey match was played in Barrie, Ontario in 1892 with the women dressed in wool skirts, sweaters and gloves. The Vitorian Age gave way to the dawn of the 20th Century Canada was puck-hungry hymen happy as womens hockey blasted loose from Pandora's sports box and now there were leagues in just about every province of Canada and was just beginning to plant the seeds in America. Ontario unleashed he mighty puck eating Amazons called the Preston Rivulettes who became the team eating champions that dominated the ice throughout the Depression Era 1930's.
World War II came along and spoiled the beer drinking Mother Puckers ice follies and womens hockey began to decline in the Fabulous Fifties and the Psychedelic Sixties, and once again ended up in the trashcan of sports as a mere novelty for entertainment. Once again..hockey became the private preserve of the male species reinforced by a peculiar ruling by the Ontario Supreme Court in 1956 when they ruled against, seriously on the name folks, Abby Hoffman, no relation, but a 9 year old girl who challenged the boys only policy in minor hockey. She had already played most of the season with a boys team disguised as a boy by dressing at home and wearing her hair short!
Today womens hockey has penetrated the locker room of acceptance from college and pro leagues to the Olympics. It is now an intercollegiate and Olympic mainstay and yes, if you take to the ice, watch out for the Canadians...they whip ass along with their Amazon sisters on the Czech Republics Hockey League. The dynamic duo of stick and puck...these women are real bad ass Mother Puckers.
For the true tits and ass version, there is the all new Bikini Hockey League with a mission "To provide a positive alternative in the hockey community and a venue for adult female hockey athletes to continue in their sport. This will be accomplished by: providing ultimate family entertainment to our fans win or lose. Helping our sponsors build their brands. Educating, motivating and supporting each other in becoming better athletes, people, and by working together to achieve common goals...we are the Bikini Hockey League." (www.bikinihockeyleague.com)
So for a heaping helping of hymen hurricane action that can melt a polar ice cap, grab a Molson and head for the rinks of your nearest Womens Hockey league and get pucked by a Canuck!