Title: Personal Sex Ad - Author:
Published: Nov 6, 2007 - Contact:
I hung up the phone and just sat there. Somewhere, deep in the recesses of my brain, I was just beginning to realize that I had just answered a personal ad. Shit, was I this desperate God, I hoped not. And I really didn't think I was. I had never read them with the intent of finding that "special someone...."
I read them more out of curiosity than anything else. I always started off reading the "Women seeking Women" section. Like many other males, had a secret fantasy to be with two girls at once. Of course, I never expected my fantasy to take place, but it was still fun to dream, right
Then I paged back to the "Women seeking Men" section. I breezed through a few of them, getting a couple of good chuckles. Personal ads always remind me of the farcical ads placed with Opus on "Bloom County": "Single, sincere white female, 43, wishes to meet single, sincere, limber Eskimo who's into tattoos, bananas, gargling Windex, Barry Manilow inflatable dolls, cactus, sleeping with large tomatoes, and snake wrestling in Jell-o pudding."
And, of course, the last line was: "No freaks."(*) As I was reading them, I noticed that the small, weekly newspaper that ran the personal ads was trying out a new system. Each personal ad was accompanied by a voice ad. All one had to do was call a local number, punch in the "mailbox" of the ad I wanted to hear, and it would be played for me. I thought that was an interesting twist, so I decided to try it out.
I brought the paper home with me and dialed the number. I scanned the paper and found one that sounded interesting. I punched the mailbox number and sat back to listen. After the announcement, I decided that the voice message was actually a pretty good idea. It gave somebody a little more to go on. It was a little easier to determine the person's personality by listening rather than just reading a newspaper ad.
I listened to a couple more. Finally, I decided that I was just going to listen to one more and then go do some work. The last one in the section caught my eye. It read:
SWF, 25, honest, romantic, adventuresome, equally comfortable watching a movie or being outside playing sports. 5'9", 135, light brown hair, blue eyes. Professional woman. Seeks SWM, 23-30, who is honest, laid back yet not too laid back. Prefer my height or taller, dark hair with light eyes, but am willing to negotiate. Box 1384
That sounded particularly interesting. I dialed the box number and sat back to listen.
I could hardly believe my ears. First of all, her voice was so sexy. It didn't even seem like she was trying, either. And then what she was saying was enticing, too. She was really into sports, both watching and playing. She felt equally comfortable eating at Taco Bell and at a fancy restaurant. She was a marketing rep for a telecommunications firm that sold voice mail products. She didn't qualify herself as desperate for turning to a personal ad. She just said she was open minded and wasn't going to cut down her options.
In her description of her ideal male, she almost perfectly described me. The only thing she left out was my name. It was really uncanny. The clincher was that she liked men that were honest and open "to a fault." Now I fit that perfectly. There was a saying among my friends in college: "if anybody thinks a thought which should not be said because it would be inappropriate due to the circumstances, Jeff will say it."
In fact, I have always prided himself on my honesty. I am extremely blunt. I don't mince words. Which was why I was single now and not still dating Michele. She just couldn't deal with it. Drove her crazy.
So I debated with myself for two days on whether or not to call and leave a message for this girl. I was just at the lower end of her age spectrum (I turned 23 two weeks ago). Finally, I decided that it couldn't hurt to try. Hell, if she was strong enough to leave a message, I was strong enough to reply.
I got home from work and dialed the number to leave a message. "Hi, my name is Jeff. I listened to your voice ad. It's pretty uncanny, but you basically described me. All you lacked was my name. A little about myself: I'm 5'11", 170 pounds. I have dark brown hair and green eyes. My favorite activities are sports. I play just about every one there is.
My favorites are tennis, football, and skiing. I played football for the University of Michigan for two years before I had to quit due to an injury. I also really like to watch movies, both at home and in a cinema." I then told her about the saying my friends had about me at college. Finally, I left my phone number in case she was interested.
Nothing happened for two weeks. I wondered what was going on, and toyed with leaving another message. But I thought better and even started to curse myself for leaving the message in the first place. I walked into my apartment and saw that there was a message on my answering machine. I put my briefcase down on the counter, fixed myself a sandwich, and listened to the message while eating the sandwich.
It was her. Pam. She had been out of the country on a business trip and so she wasn't able to check and answer her messages. She apologized profusely. She then indicated that she was interested in meeting me. She left her number and requested that I return her call.
After the answering machine shut off, I wasted no time. The sandwich in my hand, long forgotten, dropped to the floor immediately as both hands reached for the phone. I listened as the phone rang... once... twice... three times. Finally, it was answered... by her answering machine. I waited, and after the tone, left a message. I was just concluding the message when she picked up the phone.
"Hi, Jeff! I was hoping you'd call. I just walked in from work." That sexy voice was there again.
"Hi, Pam. I thought we might be playing more phone tag. How are you" I replied.
We got the preliminary stuff over, and then settled down to a deep discussion that ranged over a number of topics. Compatibility didn't seem to be a problem. We got along great. Finally, about 4 hours later, we decided that we should get together and meet in person. We threw about plans until we decided on meeting at a small restaurant. We set the time for the next evening, then hung up.
I couldn't concentrate at all the next day at work. Mostly, I just sat there and stared off into space. I tried to picture what she looked like in my mind, using the description she gave. Of course, there were many possible variations based on that information, but I settled on the best-case and worst-case scenario. I knew that she'd be somewhere in between them, but I hoped closer to the best. Time crawled, but finally I finished up and went home to change my clothes.
I looked into my closet, trying to figure out what to wear. "I feel like a girl. I'm looking into a closet full of clothes, but I can't figure out what to wear," I muttered to myself. Finally, I decided to go somewhat casual, so I grabbed a pair of jeans and a nice shirt. That would have to do. Besides, it's what I normally wore, so if she didn't like it, she wasn't for me. That part was easy.
I drove to the cafe. It seemed like forever before I got there. I parked my car in the little lot behind the restaurant, and scanned the other cars in the lot, trying to figure out which was hers. I finally gave up and walked into the restaurant.
The restaurant was essentially empty. There was one person at the counter, and he definitely wasn't my date for the evening. I glanced down at my watch, and noted that I was about 10 minutes early. So I grabbed a seat, a booth in the back, and sat down and tried to relaxed. My heart was beating a little faster than normal. I ordered a Coke and started watching the door, looking for her.
One minute dragged into five. Five into ten. Still no sign. I thought back to the phone conversation the previous night. I was sure that I was in the right place at the right time. At least I was if my memory served me correctly. "Oh, stop it," I chided myself. "You're just nervous. She'll be here."
And indeed she was. I recognized her immediately as she walked in the door. I waved to her, catching her eye. She strode to the back of the restaurant where I was seated. Being a gentleman, I stood up and introduced myself. We shook hands and met eyes. Time seemed to freeze. We didn't notice the waiter approach us to ask if the lady would like a drink; we just stood there frozen in the handshake. Finally, the waiter was able to break the spell and we sat down.
My scenarios were wrong. She didn't look anything like the girl that I had pictured. Initially, she wasn't even close to my best-case scenario. But there was something undeniably sexy about her. It might have been the way she carried herself, the way she walked, that gleam in her eyes. Her smile definitely helped. She had a beautiful smile. It lit up her entire face. I also noticed that she had incredible legs.
Although she was walking toward me, I could still tell. And I could tell that they were really smooth and creamy. She had kind of pale skin, with just a hint of a tan. Those blue eyes were extremely beautiful, too. They were at once open and seemingly innocent, but lurking behind there was a certain kind of mischief. My heart nearly thumped in my chest now that she was there.
We dove into the conversation at once. Soon, our food was served, but the conversation never stopped. Our mothers had always told us to eat with our mouths closed and to never talk with our mouth full, but tonight all rules were off. We sat there and talked for about two hours. Finally, we decided that we should go. I opened the door for her, and on the way out I suggested that we go for a walk around one of the small lakes downtown. She looked at the sunset and then at me and said yes.
We started out around the lake, amazed by the beauty of the setting sun reflected off the smooth lake. The setting was almost too perfect, like some scene out of a Harlequin romance. As we walked, we slowly edged closer together. I finally decided that I would try my luck (although, it really wasn't that much of a chance) and I put my arm around her. She immediately moved closer to me so that my arm would reach farther around her. I rested his hand on the rise of her hip. Several things exploded in my mind.
This just feels so natural, so good, so right. There was also a huge, quasi-electric spark that hit my brain when I first rested my hand on her hip. I was sure that if my brain really was a microchip, there would be smoke rising from it from overload. Before I really even realized what I was doing, I had turned her around to face me, and I was kissing her. About 5 seconds into the kiss I realized what I was doing. And if there would have been smoke before, the whole thing would have blown up now.
I placed my lips on hers, and felt her hesitate for a moment, surprised. Then she returned my kiss with full force. All romantic feelings we felt for each other were set aside during that kiss in favor of the unbridled lust we felt for each other. The kiss became more and more intense, and soon our tongues were dancing together. We also were hugging each other tightly.
We broke the kiss and stood there looking at each other for a moment. We walked arm in arm for a while longer before she dragged me off the path toward an apartment building. She dug in her pocket for her keys, explaining that she lived there. She finally found the key, and soon we were on our way up the stairs to her apartment.
She unlocked the two locks and opened the door. We walked in through the entryway, and she locked the door behind us. She walked into the kitchen and stopped, looking around, seemingly puzzled. That's all the farther she got.
I met her with a kiss in the middle of the kitchen. Again, our kiss became almost desperate. As my tongue explored her mouth I could hear her little moans of passion. I pressed into her, kissing her more deeply. That only made her hotter. We started to grind together as we kissed.
My hands ranged southward to cup her ass. I gave it a couple of gentle squeezes and felt her respond against me. She didn't waste any time: she slid one hand around and started rubbing my growing erection through my pants. I let out a sigh of pleasure.
I took that as a cue that I could progress further. I let go of her ass and started massaging her breasts through the sheer blouse she wore. But that wasn't quite good enough, so I unbuttoned her blouse. She shrugged it off her shoulders without even breaking the kiss. The blouse dropped to the floor around our feet. I reached back and unsnapped her bra with one hand. That prompted her to break the kiss. "Impressive." I smiled back with pride and looked down to see what I was uncovering.
Her breasts were about medium sized, with dark nipples that were hard and pouty. They sagged just enough to give credence to their size. I played with the edges of her breasts. I worked my way inward until I was almost at the nipple, then I worked my way back out. Meanwhile, I had kissed my way from her mouth back to her ear. I began to nibble and suck on her earlobe.
I could tell that Pam was trying to shift her breasts in my hands so that I would have to touch her nipples. It seemed like she was aching for him to touch them. I continued to nibble on her ear and tease her breasts. She was breathing harder now. I then moved down to her neck, still kissing and nibbling. That drew moans from her. It was time for the kill.
I paused with my hands, then pinched both of her nipples firmly. I rolled them between my thumb and forefinger. She uttered a small shriek. She began to tremble as I rolled her nipples. She moaned once more, then slumped against me. "Oh my God. That was so good! Enough of this... I want you now!" she said between pants. I was only too happy to oblige. I backed her up against the kitchen table and started working on the zipper on her skirt. I unfastened it and let it drop to the floor. With a flip of her leg, Pam kicked the skirt so that it ended up right next to her blouse.
I marvelled at her panties. They were black and lacy, hiding just enough to be extremely sexy. I then slid those down her legs, caressing her legs on the way down, and finding that my observations about them were right on the money. They were extremely creamy and smooth. I kissed her legs on the way back up. She unbuttoned my shirt, removed it, and threw it on the floor. My pants were next, although she did have some trouble unbuttoning them in her frenzy. My boxers soon followed. She looked down and stared at my erect penis. I'm not overly long, but I am pretty big around.
I kissed down to her breasts and started kissing each nipple. I alternated pinching them between my lips and sucking on them. I left a trail down to her bellybutton and stuck my tongue in it. That elicited a moan and a little giggle. As I kissed down further, I lifted her up on the table so that she was sitting on the edge. As I neared her pubic mound, I could smell her musky aroma and it drove me wild. I immediately dove in with my tongue. I licked along the lips, feeling her tremble with pleasure. Her taste was unusual, but delicious nevertheless. I made a couple of laps around her lips before I used my hands to part them. I glanced up and down the rift, seeing her clitoris and the opening farther south. I saved the latter for later, and feverishly attacked her clit.
As soon as my tongue touched her clit, she jumped, almost knocking me over, "Ohmigod!!" I slowly swirled around her clit, using my hands to try to keep her hips in one place. I pushed down and around on her clit, eliciting excited moans that bordered on screams. I started being more firm on her clit, working in some sucking. Again she started trembling uncontrollably, so I had to stop. "If you stop right now, I'll kill you!" she screamed at me. Faced with that, I dove back in. I have one long suck on her clit and she mashed her pussy into my face, letting out a load moan. She hit my face two more times before she relaxed, slumping back on the table.
I then noticed that my face and chest were drenched. I've been with some women that were "moist", but after this one I felt like I'd been through a rain forest. Not that I'm complaining. Her scent surrounded me and drove me even crazier.
She looked at me, dripping with her juices, and motioned me over to her. She took my penis in her hands and drew it to her mouth. She gave me a couple of long strokes which nearly sent me over the edge. She was talented with that tongue! She took me out of her mouth and proceeded to drag me onto the table by my erection. Of course, I followed without a moment's hesitation.
When I was finally up there, she shoved me onto my back (she wasn't taking no for an answer). She the clenched teeth. My reply was unintelligible. It felt so good. She was so wet and so tight at the same time. It was indescribable.
She sat there for the longest time, with a look of total contentment on her face. "Just keep this thing inside of me and world peace will arrive in our lifetime," it seemed to say. Then agonizingly slowly, she began to move up and down. Her moans became a long low lustful groan.
Looking back, I was afraid that my face would be frozen like that because of muscle cramps. I tried to keep up with her pace, but even as athletic as I am, she quickly out paced me. I just couldn't keep up. Not that I really needed to. She was doing enough work for a threesome.
I was concentrating so intently on the passion in my hips and her expression of total bliss that I almost didn't hear the small moans and screams that she was emitting as she experienced small orgasms. They seemed to emerge from a fog.
Finally, I just couldn't take any more. "OH GOD I'M CUMMING!" I yelled as I started pumping furiously up into her.
At the critical point, I thrust upward and held my hips up. I was in that position for what seemed like an eternity before my body finally let go of the tension that had built up. My orgasm felt more intense as I could feel the streams of semen pouring out of me.
And apparently that was all she needed to go over the edge. "Oh, yes, your hot come feels so goood!" she screamed back at me as she trembled faster and faster. She arched her back, threw herself back down on my penis one more time, and froze.
She then slowly relaxed and finally slumped against me.
Totally exhausted, she allowed all of her weight to rest on me. I just laid there and held her, caressing her back. We stayed like that for about 10 minutes before she raised her head. I leaned my head up and kissed her. She broke the kiss and smiled at me. "That was beautiful!" And all I could do was nod in agreement.
She suggested that w we would be more comfortable. I agreed, and we started shifting around to get down from the table. We heard a huge creak, and the table finally gave out. One of the legs broke and the table collapsed.
We got up from the floor where we had been unceremoniously dumped and looked at the poor table. It had held up just long enough. "Forget it, it was an old table. Besides, it was more than on the kitchen table. We made love all night, finally falling asleep at about 5 am. It took every ounce of will I possessed to leave her when the alarm went off. I went home, showered, dressed, and went to work.
Now whenever my coworkers read the personals for kicks during lunch, I just sit there and smile to myself. And when they ask me how I met my new girlfriend, I just smile at them, and tell them the answer is in their hands.