Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex, please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance).
* * * * * * *
It really gets difficult explaining what you are doing undressing in front of the computer, drooling out of one corner of your mouth, moaning and groaning, while the buzz of various "toys" can be heard.
For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splash guard for your eyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea why.
For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as: sweatpants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garterbelt with black stockings, and your best Wonderbra (the one that has everything pulled up so high your bellybutton is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don't want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the computer (although I have a friend who truly wears these things each and every time she sits in front of her computer; it does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the office - but she has certainly worked her way up the ranks in the company). As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.
If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor. There are many emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15" screen.
If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony.
When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse (although it does kinda put a western slant on things - hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though). Oh baby, you have such a big coke, (hope you got the supersized fries and burger with that). Thats it baby, show me that beautiful clint, (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial oh fork me hard!
Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your "coke" in one place, when your cyberpartner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can't keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering, and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped offline. That always works and at least she won't take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse, "I have to let my dog out."
Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.)
If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, it's proper etiquette to just bump yourself offline, or just say HUH? I never got your message. Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.
Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you'd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something different.
Funny Chat Room Cybersex Transcript
Online chat users often engage in what is known as Cybersex. Fantasies typed into keyboards get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of Cybersex. Then again, maybe he does...
Guy: Hello, Cybersex Girl. What do you look like?
Girl: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Guy: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner. It's smells funny.
Girl: I want you! Would you like to screw me?
Girl: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Guy: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Girl: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Guy: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Girl: I'm moaning softly.
Guy: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Girl: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Guy: My hands suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Girl: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Guy: I'll pay for it.
Girl: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Guy: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Girl: I take your hand and kiss it softly...I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Guy: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Girl: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Guy: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Girl: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Guy: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Guy: I'm so sorry. Really.
Girl: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Guy: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Girl: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing you hard tool.
Guy: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Girl: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take of my panties!
Guy: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you... ummm... wait a minute.
Girl: What's the matter?
Guy: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking!
Girl: Are you OK?
Guy: I'm having a coughing fit! I'm turning all red.
Girl: Can I help?
Guy: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Girl: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Guy: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Girl: Come back to me lover.
Guy: I'm washing the cup now.
Girl: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Guy: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Girl: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Guy: I found it.
Girl: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Guy: Me too.
Girl: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately our naked bodies pressing each other.
Guy: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Girl: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Guy: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Girl: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Guy: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Girl: Hurry back, lover!
Guy: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Girl: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Guy: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Girl: What's the matter now?
Guy: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Girl: Mmmm, yes. Come on.
Guy: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know...thing...in your... you know...woman's thing.
Girl: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Guy: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Girl: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Guy: I'm flaccid.
Guy: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Girl: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.
Guy: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener is all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Girl: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Guy: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Girl: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Guy: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Girl: Go to hell! I'm logging off, you loser!
Guy: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh nooooo!
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