Author: Part of the 'Butt Monkey' series of stories by Robert Furlong
Contact: email@example.com - Find my older stories at www.screeve.org
Published: 19-Oct-13 Revised/Updated 25-Oct-13
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A meal in a posh restaurant takes an unexpected turn when the waiter spills wine on my trousers...
* * * * * * *
The restaurant seemed a lot more expensive than those I was used to: it certainly wouldn't have been the sort of place I'd have picked if given the choice. The starters alone cost more than I would usually be prepared to pay for a whole meal, and I didn't regard myself as a tight-arse - well, not in that way.
Nevertheless, Debbie was determined to try all three courses.
I hoped this wasn't typical for her and that she didn't have expensive tastes. I could tolerate most things in a relationship but expensive tastes might prove difficult, especially with Jake going to university the following autumn and no doubt going to start needing handouts to help him manage his debts.
"I think I'll have the smoked salmon pastrami to start with," Debbie decided. "A friend of mine ate here and spoke very highly of the fish."
"I'm not sure I'm hungry enough for a starter," I said.
She immediately recognised my intention. "Don't even look at the prices, Rob, it's my treat! You paid for the last meal and it was me who suggested this place."
"It's not the prices," I lied. "I had quite a big baguette for lunch. I don't want to spoil my appetite for the main course."
"Well, I won't be able to have a starter if you don't. Do you really want to deprive me"
She threw me a look of pleading, spaniel eyes.
I smiled at her, rather liking her silliness. "Of course not."
I glanced back down the menu trying to spot something I might want to eat. It was proving rather difficult. Even though she was offering to pay, I still wouldn't be comfortable if I thought something was over-priced and - on a more practical level - I couldn't work out what a lot of the food actually was.
I could make a good guess at what might be in Thai dragon roll, but what the hell were Chaophraya balls They sounded like some ailment from a Les Dawson sketch.
("Did your Burt have the Chaophraya balls" "No, love, he always walks like that.")
Scouring the menu, I asked her, "Do they have anything like a prawn cocktail"
Debbie glanced down the list of starters. "They have Caribbean prawn skewers with spicy fruit salsa..."
That was the sort of dish I wouldn't know how to eat: I wouldn't be confident enough to pick the skewers up with my hands and yet it would look ridiculous to try and use a knife and fork on them.
Before I could find something else, the young waiter came over with the wine we'd ordered, a decent quality French Shiraz.
He'd introduced himself when he'd seated us at the table as 'Greg' and had short, auburn hair which he'd spiked up at the front. He was immaculately turned-out in a black waistcoat and bow tie and looked as if he was in his early twenties.
He poured Debbie her wine, holding the bottle in a white napkin so that the heat of his hand didn't warm the liquid, and then attended to me. His technique was perfect: he positioned the bottle so that the label could be seen by the two of us and even offered me the cork for my inspection (I simply smiled and nodded, having no idea what I was supposed to do with it).
He invited me to taste my wine - I assumed this to be one of the duties I had to perform as the male of the couple - and he and Debbie stared at me as I lifted the glass to my lips. The waiter seemed to treat this moment as a very sombre one: he stared at me gravely as though eager to analyse my reaction intently. Debbie, on the other hand, had her lips pursed tight together to suppress a smirk. If we'd been rather further into our relationship than just on a second date, I might have supposed she had set me up.
I took a drink of the crimson liquid as solemnly as I could, trying to stop myself from bursting out laughing and soaking them both in it, and then looked up at Greg and did my best to nod at him portentously, as though delivering a favourable, though not exceptional, verdict on the vintage. He stared back at me for a second or so and I thought I must have made a faux pas: perhaps I had been supposed to swill the wine around in my mouth before I swallowed it, or to offer some whimsical remark about how 'wry and sardonic' it was.
But then he muttered, "Very good, sir," and moved behind me to top my glass back up.
After he'd refilled me, he took a lighter from his waistcoat pocket and leaned forward to relight the candle on our table which must have blown out. At which point he managed to ruin the image he'd been trying to create of being the very model of a wine waiter and accidentally tipped a couple of noisy glugs from the bottle down the back of my chair and onto the seat of my trousers.
I jumped up, startled by the cold liquid on my skin, and he began what turned into a cascade of apologies.
"It's alright, really," I said, aware that other diners were looking over at us. "It's just a little splash."
I was wishing I'd kept my jacket on instead of dutifully handing it over to the concierge when we'd been greeted at the entrance. At least it would have taken the brunt of the spillage.
He mopped up the worst of it with a napkin, still apologising, while Debbie looked on wide-eyed with her hand over her mouth. I wasn't sure if she was shocked or trying to cover her amusement.
Then he asked me to follow him through to the cloakroom where he would dry me off properly.
"I have something which will lift the stain," he offered. "We'd better deal with it quickly before it has time to fix."
"That would be quite a help," I agreed.
I felt the seat of my trousers. I was soaking. Given the price of the bottle, he must have poured about twenty quid's worth of wine onto my arse. I'd expect a hefty discount off the bill for this, even if I wasn't the one who would be paying.
"If you'd follow me, please," he requested. "I really am very sorry about this."
I told Debbie - who was openly giggling by now - to order "something fairly straightforward" for me and that I'd be back in a few minutes. Then I followed Greg out through a door behind the bar, down a short, messy corridor which was obviously meant to only be seen by staff, and into a cloakroom.
It was a small room with no windows and it had an extractor fan on the ceiling which wheezed asthmatically. The wall to our side had a row of clothes pegs on it, onto which were messily draped coats, jeans other outerwear which must have been worn by the kitchen and serving staff on their way to and from the restaurant. There was a sink unit and some cupboards on the back wall, and all around us the room was littered with equipment and supplies: boxes of paper towels for the toilets, rolls of greaseproof paper, bundles of refuse sacks and packs of napkins. I spotted a stack of transparent tubes jammed full with the little umbrellas they put in cocktails, and for some reason I felt a compulsion to try and pocket a couple.
The waiter asked me to lock the door behind us while he opened a cupboard and ripped open one of the packs of napkins. I could see he was upset about what he'd done, probably fearing I'd make a fuss and he'd lose his job over it.
I smiled at him when he turned back to face me. "It's Greg, isn't it"
"That's right, sir." He seemed surprised that I'd remembered his name; to most of his clientele he must just blend in to the decor.
"Call me Rob," I said and he smiled back. He was rather cute with his spiky red hair and pale green eyes and looked nice in his white shirt and bow tie. His waistcoat showed off his slim figure beautifully and his trousers, I'd noticed as I'd followed him into the cloakroom, hugged his backside most agreeably.
"If you'd like to turn around," he suggested, "I'll try and soak up what I can."
I willingly obliged and he knelt down behind me. I felt a tingle of excitement that a man's face was level with my backside. I wondered whether, in spite of his young age, he secretly liked to get up close to another guy's bum; whether he was, like me, a covert connoisseur of the allure of the male arse-crack.
He started out, though, by informing me that he was about to touch my bottom.
"That's okay... I was sort of expecting you would," I smiled.
"It's just that some men might object."
"Not me," I said, brightly. "I'm not one to stand proud."
As soon as I'd said it, I realised I might soon be standing very proud once his fingers were kneading my cheeks and his thumbs were nuzzling between them.
He briskly dabbed at the seat of my trousers with a couple of napkins, trying to absorb as much of the spilled wine as he could. He had a rough technique and seemed oblivious to how much delicacy and sensuality a nicely-shaped behind like mine warranted. Nevertheless, it was good to feel him fussing at me back there and, as I'd anticipated, I began to feel the front of my trousers stirring in response.
"Would you like me to try and mop up the worst of it from your underwear" he asked.
Assuming the question to be rhetorical, I undid my belt and fly and hitched down my trousers, presenting him with the red-stained seat of my white Calvin Klein briefs. He threw me a look of surprise and I realised he'd expected me to be too self-conscious to pull my trousers down and that I would politely decline and offer to attend to myself in the restaurant toilets.
I smiled at him encouragingly. "That'll be very helpful of you. Thank you, Greg."
He threw me a half-smile back and I could tell he wasn't at all comfortable about this. I suspected that, even within the safety of intimacy with his girlfriend, he was used to steering well clear of bottoms.
He busied himself in dabbing at my underwear, pressing the napkins to them firmly to try and draw out the wine.
A few months ago I would indeed have been far too embarrassed to have had my trousers half-pulled down in the presence of a stranger like this, especially a young guy. Now I was rather enjoying having him kneeling behind me with the cheeks of my bum just inches from his face, and was finding it pleasantly arousing to have him touching me back there, his fingers so close to the hole we both knew I was concealing. My cock continued to enlarge, pulling my briefs more tightly against the paired buns of my backside.
I hoped he was enjoying the view.
The briefs had been fresh on that evening, just before I'd left the house to meet Debbie, so I knew there'd be no unpleasant stains to trouble him. He'd no doubt see the hair from my crack bristling down a line through the white material, but if you had another guy's arse in your face, you had to kind of expect that. I myself preferred other men to have a masculine hairiness between their muscular buttocks: perhaps Greg would too.
He said, "I'll be able to draw out more of the wine if I put some napkins inside the back of your underpants. Will that be okay"
"Whatever you need to do," I shrugged, pretending to be nonchalant. Like this kind of thing happened every day and I ended up with twenty-year-old guys with their hands down the back of my underwear.
He sandwiched the material of my briefs between two napkins, pressing them together to try and dry my underwear. As he did so, he kept rubbing the backs of his fingers against the skin of my bum-cheeks. I knew it to be completely unintentional - that he'd have blushed and ran a mile if he'd realised - but the sensation of his fingers caressing against the flesh of my buttocks was extremely sensual. My cock started to swell more rapidly and I knew that, if he were to continue, I would soon have a full-blown erection to contend with.
Again, just months ago I'd have been mortified to have found myself in this situation; developing a hard-on in the presence of an innocent young waiter. Now, though, I was curious to see how far I could push things between us and whether I could steer this opportune encounter towards the direction of more salacious avenues.
After all, if things turned nasty, I could rightly claim to be the injured party in this. I was the one who'd had his backside covered in spilled wine and who would be left, regardless of the waiter's attentions, with a fiendish stain on what had been an expensive pair of trousers. If Greg were to accuse me of coming onto him, I was the one who would have the more justifiable complaint.
In any case, I had my girlfriend waiting for me out there in the restaurant: why on earth would a divorced man like me who was now dating an attractive woman, be flirting in the backroom of some restaurant with a fresh-out-of-college waiter who'd just poured half a bottle of wine onto his backside The mere possibility was laughably ridiculous!
Greg continued working his fingers across both buttocks, trying to soak up as much of the spilled wine as he could, but was pointedly avoiding going anywhere between them. The arse-crack of another guy was obviously seen as an 'out of bounds' area; the sort of place men didn't touch on each other, even when one of them was desperately trying to show his willingness to make amends.
I wasn't prepared to put up with such reticence. You don't spill wine down the arse of a 'butt monkey', as Cameron had referred to me, and get away with it so easily.
"I'm very wet and sticky between my buttocks, Greg," I informed him. "It's quite uncomfortable."
"Would you like to pull down your underwear, Mr... er..."
"It's Rob," I reminded him, hitching down my briefs. I appreciated the way he was trying to reintroduce some formality into proceedings, but I was having none of it. I presented my bare backside to his face and I'm sure that if arses can look expectant, mine did right then.
My cock rose up from my heavy scrotum, grateful for release from my underwear as it steadily lengthened and thickened in anticipation. I did my best to conceal it among the folds of my shirt: I didn't want Greg to be freaked out by seeing not only how turned on I was becoming, but also how large my slowly swelling manhood was.
"I've never had a French Shiraz poured anywhere so indelicate," I quipped.
He was staring at my bum, clearly unsure of how to proceed.
I went on, "It tasted very nice in the glass, but I'm sure it has a rather more interesting flavour now."
As I expected, he showed no inclination to lean forwards for a taste.
"It's probably more like an Australian Shiraz," I added. "It would certainly have that... you know... down-under kick."
He ignored my frivolity and reached up with a napkin to run it down my cleft. I hadn't been lying - I genuinely was quite wet between my buttocks - and the napkin emerged from my arse-crack with a dark red stain on it.
"I think that's soaked it up," he asserted.
"Are you sure I'd hate to end up with a rash."
Perhaps fearing I could have grounds for further complaints against him, he reached up grabbed my buttocks. Then, with his thumbs he teased them apart.
I leaned forwards for him, hoping he would like what he saw: my abundantly hairy crack parting to reveal my dark pink, slightly swollen ring. I hoped that once he saw how inviting a man's rear entrance can look, he might be tempted, just as I had with Guy, to lean forwards for a sniff and then a lick. The thought of what it would be like to ease his cute ginger-pubed cock into the hole I was presenting him could surely not have escaped him: in the mood I was in, and as long he had protection with him, I'd be more than willing to bend lower to receive it, poking stiffly outwards from his gaping fly.
But if such temptations had troubled him, he showed no sign of acting on them.
"You look pretty dry as far as I can tell," he muttered, still staring at my splayed cleft. I was hoping his gaze was focussed on my hole and that he could recognise, from the slackness of its opening and the puckering of the skin around it, that its owner was, at the very least, sexually inquisitive. He might suspect that I was no stranger to the pleasure a sufficiently curious man can receive from his own finger; perhaps even realise that for some men masturbation can involve both hands working independently.
I glanced back at him and realised that he was actually staring between my legs, appearing somewhat stunned by the grotesquely swollen size of my big, bloated balls dangling between them. He seemed, on some primitive level, intimidated by the sheer scale of my testicles; as though their appearance before him, heavy and pendulously distended with my semen, daunted him as belonging to a competitor male. I assumed his own, tucked away in his black trousers, were considerably smaller and perhaps rather less hairy.
I said, with a forced chuckle, "Not exactly my most flattering view, Greg."
He smiled awkwardly.
I was grateful that my cock was so stiff that it was pointing upwards towards my stomach and out of his view. It would no doubt have compounded his discomfort if it had been dangling down, reaching almost level with my knees, its shaft as thick as his forearm and its head as plump as his fist.
Wanting to direct his attention back upwards towards the appeal of my bum, I insisted to him that I still didn't feel completely dry.
He looked back up at my hairy crack and, for a second, I thought he was going to reach up with an outstretched finger and run it down between my cheeks to feel for any remaining liquid. I was eager for him to touch my puffy ring, gently circling my stretched hole as if puzzled as to whether the moisture there was the remnants of the wine or was my own, alluring dampness. I'd push myself back towards him so that his finger would slurp into me and then, from my sounds of breathless pleasure and the way I'd work myself up and down on his finger, he'd realise - hopefully with some fascination - that the ways of pleasuring a male aren't confined to manipulating his penis.
But Greg seemed reluctant to venture forth and just replied flatly that my bum looked pretty dry to him.
So I tried, again, to throw him another inroad.
"I don't smell too boozy back there, do I" I asked, hoping now to lure him forwards for a sniff. "I don't want to reek of the stuff."
Once his nose was between my buttocks, I'd bend further forwards and ease my arse into his face. I'd feel him sniffing at my hole - first hesitatingly, then with building interest - and he'd push his nose deeper and lower to smell me at my strongest. His breath would be quickening and his excitement increasing and I'd call out, "It might be better to taste me, Greg - make sure there's no wine left at all!" Then I'd feel his tongue lapping at my most sensitive spot - knowing he would be struggling to understand why licking another man like this was so arousing him - and I'd see him rubbing himself through his trousers as I'd grab my own cock and roughly pleasure myself.
But it wasn't to turn out like that. Greg stayed frustratingly well back from my buttocks and muttered simply that he couldn't smell anything, before releasing my cheeks and standing up.
"There's some Stain Remover in one of these cupboards," he said, turning to retrieve it. "It should get most of the colour out."
He found a plastic bottle of colourless liquid and removed the lid. Taking a sniff from the bottle he recoiled from its strong, chemical smell: the solvent, I assumed, for the tannins in red wine.
He knelt back down behind me and soaked a few fresh paper napkins with the liquid and dabbed at the seat of my trousers and my briefs, still hitched down and between my shins. The solvent drew the colour out with surprising success: it seemed my trousers might yet get to be worn again.
As he was tending to my clothing, looking down at it as he knelt behind me, his hair kept tickling my backside. His fringe, which he'd spiked up with gel, would occasionally stray into my crack as if it was eager to venture where his fingers had been so reticent.
I couldn't stop myself from tittering and he looked up at me.
"Your hair's tickling my bum," I explained. "Your fringe keeps rubbing between my cheeks where you've gelled it up."
"I'm sorry," he muttered, and pulled back a little.
"No - it's nice, actually," I insisted, but from then on he maintained a prudent distance.
When he'd taken out the bulk of the colour, leaving only a faint pink tidemark on my underwear, the solvent he'd applied was already evaporating, leaving behind little moisture. As I pulled up my clothing and fastened up my belt, the back of my trousers felt surprisingly dry. Greg turned to back to the cupboard to put the napkins away, informing me that a laundry liquid called 'Stain Devils' would bring out what was left. It would, he said, bring out just about anything.
I doubted it would succeed on some of Jake's more floridly stained underwear.
I turned towards him, aware that my erection was making a mound in the front of my trousers, and watched him struggling to get the napkins back into the packet. It seemed of some importance that they were refolded and put away correctly; perhaps he'd been told off by his superior for leaving them where they were likely to be creased and rendered unusable.
His bottom looked very nice in the back of his trousers. The material was tight enough to show that he wasn't wearing slip briefs like I was: instead, he was probably concealing the sort of tight-fitting shorts that didn't produce a visible hemline. Whatever he was wearing, it made for a very pleasant view.
While I waited for him to finish faffing around with the napkins, I picked up the bottle of solvent to look at it, for the want of anything better to do. The label said it was polyphenol and it had a hazard warning that it was highly volatile. Suitable for use on most colour-fast fabrics, it said. For use-by date see bottom of bottle.
That gave me an idea. A rather naughty one.
I turned over the bottle and splashed a generous gloop of the liquid over Greg's bottom. He swivelled around to face me, shocked, and I apologised to him as profusely as he had when he'd spilt the wine.
"I was just looking for the use-by date," I claimed. "I didn't realise you hadn't put the lid back on. I'm really sorry..."
"It smells really chemically," he complained, grabbing a couple of the napkins he'd been carefully folding and wiping the excess from his backside. "I can't serve customers reeking like this... it'll put them off their meals."
"Let me help you," I offered. "Turn around for me..."
He turned back to face the cupboard and passed me a wodge of napkins. I knelt down behind him and dabbed at his backside, finding that the liquid had mainly splashed his right cheek. Now his bum was at eye-level, I was captivated by it - he really had the most gorgeously firm pair of buttocks and the crack between them was intriguingly deep. If only he had been as enraptured by what I had been keen to show off.
I managed to wipe away the majority of the liquid and what was left evaporated quite quickly.
"Does it smell really bad" he asked.
I leaned forward to sniff where the liquid had been and winced at how sharp the material reeked.
"Your right cheek took the worst of it," I said. "Even though it dries quite quickly, it leaves behind a hell of an odour."
I moved across to his other cheek and found nothing more than the faintly foody smell of the restaurant.
"Your left side's fine," I called up to him.
Then I moved into the middle - right between his magnificent butt-cheeks - and casually asked him to bend forwards a little. I stuck my nose between his buttocks as deeply as I dared and snorted the smell of the material which had, no doubt, countless times ridden up into his arse-crack.
I thought it must have been a few weeks since he'd had the trousers washed because the material between his cheeks was startlingly odoriferous. In spite of his polished appearance and delectable manners, the smell of the rear hem of his trousers, right where it nuzzled between his two round cheeks, was as coarse and uncouth as one might expect from a bricklayer.
"There's a strong smell in the middle," I informed him, my voice betraying a little of my excitement. "Bend a little lower and I'll have another sniff..."
He dutifully complied - his thoughts no doubt too concerned about the stink of solvent than to consider my motives - and I pressed my nose lower and wedged more deeply into his crack. Inhaling strongly, I marvelled at how powerfully acrid his odour was back here - an intensely earthy bouquet of his most secretive scents - right where the material would chaff so close to his hole.
This was an arse that was overly ripe for rimming and I was determined, somehow, to engineer things towards that goal, however distant and unlikely it might seem.
"Yes, there's a very strong smell back here, Greg" I said, "right between your legs. I'm not sure it's the chemical, though..."
I moved in for another whiff - his robust fragrance was surprisingly addictive - feeling myself becoming more aroused.
If the stuff I'd read about men's backsides secreting pheromones was true, Greg must be churning them out by the bucket-load. Other diners in the restaurant must surely find themselves reacting to this waiter's alluring scent when, for example, he bent down to retrieve a dropped fork and the odorous seat of his trousers was raised prominently upwards.
I pulled back from his bum and stood up behind him.
"I think your right side caught most of the splash," I informed him, "but I'm not sure about the... er... middle."
"How can we get rid of the chemical smell" he implored. "It's really cloying... like turps, only stronger and sort of sickly-sweet."
"Have you got a wet cloth or something"
I seemed to remember from Chemistry lessons at school that some solvents are dispersed by water. I wasn't sure how reliable my memory was but it was worth putting to the test.
Greg reached over to the sink and passed me a wet dishcloth. "Could you be quick They'll be wondering where I've got to."
"Of course," I smiled. "But I'll need you to pull down your trousers... it'll have soaked through to your underwear as well."
"I dunno," he muttered, shaking his head uncertainly. "Maybe just wipe my trousers..."
"Come on! You've seen just about everything I've got," I reminded him. "You've seen my body more intimately than the woman out there has!"
That much was certainly true.
He shrugged and nodded and, turning back to face away from me, started unbuckling his belt. Unzipping his fly and pulling down his trousers down slightly, he revealed a purple pair of boxer briefs tightly cupping the pert mounds of his buttocks.
I took the cloth from him and knelt down behind him again. I rubbed the seat of his pulled-down trousers with the wet cloth and then leaned forwards to sniff the damp material. My memory had served me correctly: the water seemed to have driven the chemical out from the material.
I was tempted to take a quick whiff of the hem between his legs - this time from the inside where the smell of his bum would be far stronger - but I thought better than to push my luck.
Instead, I moved up to his underwear.
"Before I dab you down, Greg, I should wipe the stuff off your skin."
"I dunno," he said again, uneasily.
"It might cause an allergy or a chemical burn. It's best to be on the safe side."
"Well... okay... if you're sure," he muttered after a pause, and I reached up and pulled down his shorts so that the waistband was around the tops of his thighs.
His backside was breath-taking in its naked glory: the skin so pale and smooth, the deep cleft between his cheeks bristling with a fine fuzz of reddish hair. He had a few small, pink pimples around the crease where the tops of his thighs met the curve of his buttocks, but other than those the view was near-perfect.
"I can see you're a natural auburn," I quipped.
His face swung round to look at me, blushing. "Oh God, am I that hairy back there"
I smiled up at him. "Most men are, Greg. It's part of our irresistible charm."
My reply seemed to quell his embarrassment somewhat and he threw me another half-smile.
I sniffed his right arse cheek and confirmed to him that the chemical smelled strong on his skin there. I dabbed at the whole area with the cloth and he passed me a napkin to dry him off.
Then I turned to the deep valley between his buttocks.
"I'll just see if the chemical splashed onto your... er... other place. I couldn't really tell from your trousers."
I leaned forward and pressed my nose between his cheeks. Inside his crack was hot and muggy and his thick, crude odour was almost overwhelming. It was dank and harsh; bursting with his own rich pheromones and replete with his bitter, effluvious stink. It was at once masculine and sexual; urgently compelling and deeply arousing.
This was an arse that was not just ripe for rimming, but which was crying out to be fucked. I imagined bending him over and ploughing my cock into this succulent furrow. Smelling the fullness of his backside as I drove in and out of him. Feeling his hot, slimy rectum squeezing in spasms on my thick, pumping shaft.
I snorted two or three times, nuzzling in deeper so that I could more clearly imagine what it would be like to be standing behind him, grabbing him by the shoulders and slamming so hard in and out of him that the whole room would be filled with his rich, extravagant stink.
Then I heard him say, reproachfully, "I don't like you sniffing me there."
I pulled back and looked up at him, feigning innocence. "I was just checking to see where the chemical splashed, Greg. Just like I did on your trousers."
"It's different with my pants pulled down," he said, starting to blush.
"I can't see why..."
"You know exactly why," he went on, his cheeks now scarlet. "It's a very personal place... private."
His intense embarrassment made it obvious that he must know full well how whiffy he could get back there. He was probably reminded of it every time he pulled off his underwear.
I stood up behind him again and smiled at him. "You shouldn't feel embarrassed, Greg. It's just how your body is... it's perfectly natural."
"Yeah, I know," he muttered. "But you kept sniffing and pushing deeper, like you were enjoying it."
"Well, you have a very interesting smell, Greg. Quite... stimulating..."
He stared at me for a second before asking, a touch incredulous, "You like the smell of my bum"
"A man's backside can be a very erogenous place," I informed him.
"I'm not gay," he said, flatly.
"Neither am I," I echoed. "But just because I prefer dating women, doesn't mean I can't appreciate the male body as well."
"Does it excite you"
"Sniffing your bum" I asked.
"Not as much as licking it would," I replied.
He looked surprised. "You would actually lick it My bumhole"
"If you would let me," I nodded, finding it cute that he'd call it his 'bumhole'.
"And you're not gay" he checked. For some reason this was quite important to him.
"Not that I know of," I smiled. "I'm just... well... a bit of a dirty sod, I suppose."
He smiled back at that. "'Opportunistic' might be a better description," he suggested.
Then I asked him, "Would you like me to rim you, Greg"
"Is that what it's called"
"As long as you don't want me to do anything in return," he replied, before conceding, "yes. You can rim me."
As I knelt back down he felt obliged to warn me, "I've always been pretty smelly down there. I can't help it."
I looked up at him and smiled. "I did kind of notice."
"And it doesn't bother you"
"Bother me" I laughed. "I love it! I mean, as long as you're clean..."
He smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I'm clean. To the point of paranoia. I just get sweaty and... well..."
"It's okay," I interrupted. "Just let me enjoy it."
I reached up, grabbed his hips and moved in for the kill.
He was, by now, obviously keen to experience what it would feel like to be rimmed, because he bent forwards slightly and opened his legs to give me less restricted access between his buttocks.
I prized his cheeks apart with both hands, splaying open his lightly haired crack so I could see, luridly and graphically exposed, his tiny pink hole, clenched tightly shut. It was slightly higher than I would have expected; I supposed different men must be built differently back here.
He called back, nervously, "Is it okay"
I smiled. "It's magnificent."
I heard him chuckle and then he asked, his voice affectedly formal, "Would you like a sauce with that, sir"
I laughed back. "The juice it comes with will be delicious enough."
I pressed my face into him, this time with no attempt at pretence, and inhaled the full impact of his spread cheeks.
He was a smelly guy, that much was certain, but the smell was in no way unpleasant: it was just incredibly strong and uncompromisingly anal. His bum had all the allure of Guy's splayed backside - the same musky aroma that had so excited me and had drawn me into this fetish - but at a level which was cranked up to the extreme.
If Guy had smelled like Greg - if this had been the intensity of the odour that I'd been met with when I'd craned my face up from the hotel bed and pressed it between his squatting legs - I'd have either quickly recoiled at the sheer ferocity of it, or would have started involuntarily climaxing there and then. In either case I would never have got as far as rimming him, and I probably wouldn't be where I was now.
But since then, I had grown used to such peculiarities; familiar with sheer variety of smells and tastes that men's backsides can offer.
I pushed in further and inhaled as deeply as I could.
The sheer strength of the odour from Greg's backside - from his 'bumhole' as I now liked to think of it - reminded me of Shane the carpenter, who I'd rimmed at the adult learning centre. Greg's scent wasn't as ferocious as Shane's - his had verged on being eye-wateringly offensive - and I was keen to apply my mouth to his hole in a way I hadn't been able to with the carpenter.
Whereas Shane had been the sort of man who could not have cared less how rough and ripe his arse smelled - he probably thought all men were as whiffy as he was back there - Greg was clearly very self-conscious about his odour. And that, for some reason, made me more willing to persevere with his backside than I had been with Shane's; eager to show him that what he might regard as an embarrassing flaw could, for the right person, be a powerful aphrodisiac.
I extended my tongue and licked at his anus. Jesus Christ, this guy tasted hot!
The strength of his flavour - sharp, spicy and pungent - made my tongue tingle and my cock strain in my trousers, painfully constricted and desperate for its owner to start pumping it.
I pulled back from him, breathless.
"Bloody hell, Greg! Your arse tastes amazing! I've never tasted anyone as intense as you!"
I grinned up at him but found him looking down at me quizzically.
"Am I supposed to be enjoying it too" he asked with little enthusiasm.
I stood up and he turned around slightly to show me his cock. It was pale and limp and flopped insubstantially over his small, shrivelled scrotum. He was clearly not at all well-hung and had trimmed his pubic hair very short to show off what little he had, without - I should add - very much success.
He went on, "It's just that, if I am supposed to be getting off on this, then... well... I'm not."
I smiled at him and undid my trousers again. My cock sprang upwards, thankful for release, and then throbbed gratuitously in its sheer enormity. The bright red head was vividly exposed and looked, on its own, bigger than his cock and balls in their entirety.
"If it's any consolation, Greg, I am!" I told him.
"Whoa!" he laughed, gaping in amazement at my large erection. "Look at that thing! It's a good job my girlfriend hasn't seen what you've got - she already says I'm a bit on the small size."
I enjoyed his admiration and thought he might want to appreciate what I had in a more physical way.
"Would you like me to try and fuck you with it" I asked him, mindful that I had stashed a condom into my wallet in case my evening with Debbie were to have taken an unexpected turn.
"Fuck me" he queried, perhaps unaware that that word could be applied to two men.
"Yeah... you know... work my cock up into your... er... bumhole."
"No, no!" he cried out, shaking his head energetically. "It's far too big. I've never done anything like that before... I've never done anything with another guy, actually."
"Okay," I smiled. "We'll try something else, then. If you don't enjoy me rimming you, maybe you'll like this..."
I knelt down again and gestured for him to turn back around. This time, instead of sniffing and licking his bum, I reached my finger up to my mouth and applied a copious layer of spit to it.
"I don't know that I'll like that either," he said, anticipating my next move.
"Well, there's no harm in finding out," I proposed, and asked him to bend over a little more for me.
I wasn't entirely sure how to finger another man now that I was presented for the first time with a moist, hairy arsehole awaiting my entry. With a woman, vaginal fingering can be quite a delicate operation. The angle of the finger has to be quite precise and the rhythm of stimulation is notoriously difficult to judge. Too fast can be uncomfortable and too slow can be unexciting. Too deep can be painful and too shallow can be frustrating. And two fingers... well, you can compound all of the above.
With Greg, I decided I would use a similar technique to that I use on myself: an extended middle finger rather crudely inserted followed by a rough and ready in and out motion. A woman would be horrified if I were to besmirch her with such an insensitive approach, but as it had worked so successfully on me - having helped my right hand bring me to an enjoyable climax on many an occasion - I thought it worth a shot.
I slid my finger into him with one rapid and rather inelegant plunge. He mouthed a breathless "Aah!" sound as his backside accepted the intrusion.
I held it deep inside him, feeling the slimy heat of his rectum clamped around my knuckle, and looked up at him to gauge his response.
He was grinning at me; half in pleasure, half in surprise.
"That feels quite nice," he admitted.
Men were, evidently, far easier to please with a finger than women.
I leaned around to take a look at his cock and saw it slowly lengthening and lifting upwards from his scrotum, like a sausage-shaped balloon that someone was inflating. In spite of his developing arousal, his organ remained extremely small: becoming only slightly thicker and longer than one of his fingers. As his foreskin retracted, it exposed a tiny pink head, looking for all intents and purposes like a baked bean with a small slit in it.
He watched me looking at his cock and smiled at me expectantly, clearly waiting for me to make a favourable comment. After it had begun to arch upwards and it was clear that it wasn't going to grow significantly bigger any time soon, I looked up at him and said, simply, "Nice."
He had the genitals I'd have given anything to possess when I'd been at school. His cock was modest enough to disappear among the folds of his trunks when he went swimming with his friends; not like mine which, even in my teens, would make a prominent mound that everyone would peer at and make jokes that it would scrape along the bottom of the pool when I swam. His balls were similarly virtuously restrained; not like mine which would bulge like concealed golf balls in my school trousers and make other boys laugh that I looked ready 'to spunk up' - long before I knew what that even meant.
Greg's were the sort of genitals that one could respectably allow even an elderly, widowed vicar to clap his eyes on, if ever such a situation were to arise. They were the sort of genitals that I used to want my mother to think I had: not the grotesquely thick penis and pumped-up testicles that I'd so swiftly developed during adolescence.
He looked at me staring at what he possessed and grinned more broadly. He seemed quite proud of his pencil-like erection and pea-sized bollocks.
I smiled back at him and slowly withdrew my finger from his arse. It was that that I wanted to focus on: to be honest, I couldn't really care what was between his legs.
His strong anal smell became bitingly intense after I'd slid my finger out of him. It filled the air like a fart, although its odour was far less brash. It was the same smell that I'd enjoyed when I'd first sniffed him through his trousers, but now released powerfully into the air from my glistening finger: the same heavy, pungent aroma that had so captivated me inside his arse-crack, but now evaporating so thickly that we could both smell it growing stronger.
I saw him blush and he asked sheepishly, "Is that okay The smell of my bum, I mean."
I smiled at him. "Okay Come on, Greg - it's as hot as fuck!"
He smiled back and then chuckled naughtily. He was finding that he rather liked the fact that someone appreciated how strong his backside smelled; that someone was aroused by the strongly raucous odour he was unable to control and which had probably bothered him most of his life.
I slid my finger back into him and he gasped again. "Aah... yeah... that feels so good!"
"There are nerve endings up inside your rectum," I explained, "which magnify pleasure. You should try this when you masturbate - you'll climax much more powerfully."
"Isn't it a gay thing" he asked. Always with the gay stuff; what was his problem
I smiled to hide my irritation. "Not at all, Greg. It's a male thing. All guys have these nerves; all guys should learn how to enjoy their own bodies."
He nodded and then said, more confidently than I would have expected, "Well, finger me, Rob. Like you finger yourself. Show me how it's done."
I started a slow, deliberate rhythm, making strokes as long as I could and keeping it simple: just pumping my finger steadily in and out of his tight hole. His eyes widened and his mouth gaped in his enjoyment, and he started working his arse onto me, matching, in reverse, my motions.
He asked me if he could masturbate and I laughed. "Why are you asking my permission"
He smiled back. "I dunno... I suppose I just want to check that it's what I'm supposed to do."
I laughed again. "Do what you like, Greg. Do whatever feels good for you."
As I kept pushing in and out of his arse, he grabbed his cock and wanked himself, jerking his tiny foreskin between his finger and thumb. I couldn't remember my cock ever being small enough to masturbate it like that: even when I'd first taken up the hobby, I seemed to remember that my organ had been big enough to fill my whole hand.
Greg appeared, if anything, quite proud of his diminutive size and to enjoy the fact I was watching him wanking as I fingered his arse. He flaunted it towards me as his finger and thumb sped up and down his shaft - a mere half inch of movement, his wrist barely twitching - as he smiled down at me as if parading his tiny erection as something I should envy.
Perhaps, like me, he'd always been told how good boys were modestly proportioned and was simply proving to me how righteous he'd been until now. If that was the case, he must regard me from the abundance of my own genitals as having been a very bad boy. Perhaps I had been.
And, indeed, I probably still was because I suddenly had a mischievous idea.
"Would you like to fuck me" I asked him. And then, in case he needed clarification: "I mean, do you want to push your cock up my bumhole"
If he had a condom on him, I'd be very willing to bend over for him. After all, his cock was ideally suited to buggery: there'd certainly no danger that I would find it painful when he pushed it up my arse. Let's face it: it would hardly touch the sides.
But he shook his head and muttered, breathlessly, "I'm enjoying this... keep going..."
I kept fingering him, a little disappointed that I wouldn't yet get to feel what it was like to have a man's organ inside me. The thought of the two of us hidden away together furtively butt-fucking - the waiter secretively servicing the splayed and protruding buttocks of one of his male customers - had rather appealed to me.
He pushed his bum against my hand more forcefully and with a quickening rhythm, showing me that he wanted me to be bolder and rougher with him. I managed to work a second finger into him, pushing the two of them as deep as they could go, and his hole started making noisy slurping noises as I stretched it open more widely.
The powerfully anal smell continued to build and he smiled down at me as he sniffed it to show how much he was revelling in it. I grinned back up at him and grabbed my cock with my free hand, jerking my foreskin quite quickly to show him that I too was greatly aroused I was by his crude, anal stink. He liked that and pumped his own cock faster, grunting in pleasure at having something he had clearly for so long been self-conscious about being invested with a new sexual dimension.
I called up to him, "Stop moving your bum for a second, Greg. You might enjoy something else..."
He stopped working himself onto me and I reached forwards, still drilling in and out of him with my two slick fingers, and licked gently around the swollen ring of his arsehole, now gaping wide from my repeated pummelling.
He called out, "Oh God, yeah! That's really nice!" And his elbow started moving more quickly.
I kept licking at him, masturbating myself more forcefully in my renewed pleasure at having managed to reintroduce my favourite activity into our fun.
I sped up my paired fingers as fast as I could, slamming them in and out of his reddening ring as I revelled in his still thickening smell. I licked around his hole, teasing it with the tip of my tongue, and then tasted my fingers as they thrust back and forth.
They were thickly coated with his juices and - Jesus! - did they taste powerful! I felt my orgasm building as I hungrily cleaned them with my tongue, relishing the potency of the acrid slime that I was devouring; the sheer, unbridled pungence of his rectum.
He called out, "I'm getting close! I'm going to cum!"
Taking care not to pull out of him with my left hand, I scrambled up and stood alongside him.
We wanked together facing the cupboards, me with my fingers still pushing in and out of his bum, and looked down at each other's cocks. His was literally only inches long: he wasn't jerking his tiny foreskin so much as tweaking it. Mine was, perhaps, ten times its size; looking not so much like a big brother to it but more as a barely related species might.
I thought I knew what might bring him off.
I whispered to him, "I love the smell of your arse, Greg. It's so fucking hot!"
I had intended to pull out of him and sniff my fingers appreciatively to excite him, but I felt the muscles of his rectum squeezing around my fingers in pulses and he threw his head back and called out, "Oh God! Yeah!"
His hips started bucking and he closed his eyes tightly. It was as if all the pent-up angst he'd felt about his backside for so many years was being discharged through his orgasm. He let out a long sigh of intense relief and then squirted two small spits of almost clear juice, one after the other, onto the front of the one of the cupboards.
He kept masturbating his thin shaft and I wondered if he was about to spray a more bountiful climax over the cupboard. However, nothing more was produced and it soon became apparent that that was it: his discharge had been represented by two tiny gobs of translucent liquid that were now slowly trickling down the front of the cupboard door.
He turned to me and smiled, clearly quite proud of what he saw as an impressively manly release.
"It's a bit of a mess," he said, looking at the twin dribbles he'd produced. I wondered how many sperms were swimming around in such tiny pools: he'd be lucky if a handful could squeeze into each of them.
Still tugging away at my big, fat cock, I pulled my fingers out of his arse and sniffed at his powerful stink. I muttered my own, "Oh God!", feeling my climax hit in, and then thrust my hips forwards to direct my cock away from us.
The first spurt of my orgasm sprayed against the cupboard in front of me like an abrupt and copious jet of thick white piss. Some of it splashed back and hit us both, spattering our clothes in glutinous gobs.
I kept masturbating and my cock paused, as if taking a breath.
Then a second gusher erupted from it and I directed it upwards to soak the tiles and the work surface. I turned to him and gasped as my balls emptied themselves in a long, noisy stream.
This second surge soon abated but I still kept jerking my foreskin back and forth.
Until a third wave hit me and I hosed down the front of the cupboard with it, washing away Greg's mere football team of sperms with a few hundred million of my own.
After teasing out a few last dwindling squirts, I took my hand from my cock and grinned in his direction.
"I think, Greg, that's what I'd call a bit of a mess!"
He looked at me as if shell-shocked.
As I hitched up my underwear and then my trousers, he asked me if other men orgasmed so plentifully.
"I don't think so," I replied, watching him pull up his purple boxer briefs and cover his rather fascinating behind. "I think it's just that I have... well... a particularly large set of Crown Jewels, I don't know if you noticed."
"Yeah, I did," he muttered, a suggestion of admiration in his voice.
"And does other men's spunk smell as strong as yours" he asked, sniffing the air as he was doing up his trousers.
Now it was my turn to blush slightly; a leftover embarrassment from my own youth.
"No," I said. "Every guy must be different. You have a... how should I put it... rather fragrant backside and I have semen that must be pumped full with male hormone. It's what makes sex between men so interesting."
"Sex between men You mean, gay sex" he said with alarm.
Again the gay thing.
I smiled at him. "Do you want to be my boyfriend Do you want to go out on a date with me"
"No!" he called out, almost recoiling with horror.
"Well, I don't want to do those things with you, either. So it can't be gay, then, can it"
He caught my drift and his fear lifted. "Okay... I guess not..."
As we used yet more napkins to wipe my thick, white goo from the where it was splattered, he asked me how I usually met other men for sex.
"Believe it or not, Greg, I haven't done this very much. I only discovered a few months ago that I enjoy this kind of stuff."
"And does your girlfriend - the woman out there in the restaurant - know that you're into men as well as women"
I shook my head, concealing my slight alarm at his mention of Debbie. In all the fun we'd been having, I'd rather forgotten her. How long had she been sitting out there
"No," I replied, after considering how I would begin to explain my protracted absence. "I can't really see any reason to tell her."
He used the cloth on his black trousers and waistcoat, dabbing off the stray splashes of my gloopy seed, and then passed it to me.
"I suppose," he went on, "getting together with another guy is a way of having sex with no strings attached. I mean, what we did was just sex for the sake of it... nothing else."
I smiled over at him, dabbing off my own trousers. "I think that's what attracts me to it: the lack of any emotional complications."
He walked over to the sink and washed his hands, thinking over the possibilities our encounter had seemed to raise for him.
"I've never thought of my bum as a sexual organ," he commented.
"Me neither... well not until sometime in September."
He turned and smiled, drying his hands on a tea-towel so dirty it looked like it might introduce microbes onto his skin which were far more unpleasant than those he had just washed off.
"Other guy's bums can be fun, too," I suggested.
He smiled more broadly. "Maybe I'll have to start spilling wine over the back of guys' trousers more often!"
We left the little cloakroom looking relatively clean, hoping the smell of his arse and of my semen (of 'my bum and your cum' as he poetically put it) would soon be dispersed by the noisy extractor fan.
When I got back into the restaurant, Debbie was looking around anxiously.
"Where've you been, Rob" she asked fretfully when I'd returned to my seat. "I was getting worried. You've been over half an hour!"
Had it really been that long
"I'm really sorry, Debbie," I gushed in the way that I'd mentally rehearsed it back in the cloakroom. "It took him ages to get the stain out. He had to try just about every bottle of solvent he had. And then I accidentally spilled one of them over him... it all got a bit wet and sticky, to be honest."
Well, that part was true.
I went on, "I'm so sorry you've been sitting here on your own for so long. I should have popped out and let you know what was going on."
On second thoughts, I probably shouldn't.
"It's okay," she said, sounding more composed. "I mean, it wasn't your fault he spilled wine all down your back."
I nodded and tucked into my starter. It looked like she asked them to rustle up a prawn cocktail for me. That was rather sweet of her.
Greg came over and acted with the same professional aloof that he'd exhibited when we'd first walked in.
"Could I offer you both another bottle of wine With the compliments of the management, of course."
"That's very civil of you," I chirped brightly.
He turned to Debbie. "I'm sorry for the delay in cleaning your companion's clothing. We didn't have any solvent in the cupboard. It took time to send out for some."
"Oh" she said, quizzically. "He said you had lots of bottles and you had to try them all."
She looked over at me, confused.
Before I could think up a reply, Greg intervened. "Ah yes, madam... I meant to say that we didn't have the right solvent. We had lots that were wrong and... yes... that's right... we did try them all... but then we found we needed a different solvent, so we sent out for that."
"Oh," she said, looking at me questioningly.
I smiled at her. "I didn't want to bore you with all the tiny little details. Suffice is to say that it was all very messy."
"It was indeed, sir," Greg chimed in. "Exceedingly so."
I could see now that this waiter-talk of his was just a routine. I'd seen the real man in the cloakroom; the real Greg being himself. Out in the restaurant, it was like he was playing a character.
As he went off to get another French Shiraz, Debbie looked at me suspiciously.
I just smiled and acted like we were having a very pleasant evening. Which we were: one of us rather more than the other.
The rest of our meal passed largely uneventfully and Greg retained an incurious distance from us as we enjoyed our time together.
At the end of the evening, when he had fetched me my jacket and Debbie had popped to the bathroom, I told him that I hoped he would act on his newly awakened interest and be more experimental with his own gender.
"I will," he smiled, dropping the waiter act again momentarily. "You've given me a lot to think about, Rob."
I was about to offer him my number so he could give me a call and come over one afternoon. I wanted to experience again the full impact of his amazing backside and thought it likely, given how keen he'd been to enjoy my fingers, that I could persuade him to take a rather larger part of me inside him. I had an image of the two of us naked together in my mind: me on my bed, kneeling behind him and him straddling me, thumping his arse up and down. He'd be tweaking that little cock of his, making his nodule-like balls bob up and down, as my massively thicker shaft plunged in and out of him and my fattened bollocks, swollen up like eggs in their saggy, hairy sack, slammed back and forth. And the two of us would be revelling in his stink, sweating and grunting as we basked in it, wafting thickly from his hole and from the plunging rod of my bum-streaked cock.
It was an attractive thought - rousingly appealing - but in view of our age difference I thought such an invitation, albeit implicitly given, might come across to him as unnervingly clingy.
I'd have to make do with imagining Greg with another guy - one nearer his own age - gasping at having his bum fingered again and discovering for himself the multitude of other ways he could enjoy himself with his own gender.
As Greg saw the two of us to the door of the restaurant he formally expressed his gratitude that I had been so 'co-operative', as he put it, following his unfortunate indiscretion. In return I offered my own appreciation at how 'accommodating' he had been.
Out in the car park, alongside our cars, I thanked Debbie for a lovely evening and we said our goodnights. In spite of the abundance of my earlier release, I was already starting to feel horny again. If she'd have invited me back to stay over with her, I'd have readily agreed, although I thought it too soon in our fledgling relationship to ask her to come back to my place.
I realised that, as much as I enjoyed sex with other men, I also wanted to be physical with a woman. The two things were satisfying on completely different levels. I could quite happily have buggered the arse of the waiter in the restaurant, if he'd let me, and then gone back with Debbie to just as enthusiastically make love to her; the earlier homosexual gratification having no discernible impact on the latter heterosexual version.
Men's bums were great - amazing, even - but female sensuality still held an unfaltering appeal.
I leaned forwards to kiss Debbie, hoping to show her my desire, and at first she reciprocated but then abruptly pulled back.
I thought the bulge in the front of my trousers must have unsettled her when I'd pressed it towards her, but her agitation turned out to have been borne from the smell of my face.
"I'm sorry, Rob," she said. "It's just I'm very sensitive to smell and your face seems... well... perhaps it's your after-shave or something."
I realised she could smell Greg's arse on my skin.
"Oh yes," I muttered, "I did... er... experiment with a new scent this evening."
"Well, it's a little bit... shall we say... musky for my tastes. Quite pungent."
I smiled. "Perhaps I'd better stick to Old Spice in future!"
She chuckled. "I'm sorry I can't kiss you back. I do want to... it's just..."
"I understand," I conceded. "I thought it was a bit on the strong side when I first smelled it. It's really not a problem."
So, for want of any other way of expressing our developing affection, we parted with a handshake before driving off our separate ways.
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